Lately I've been wondering why I have not been swept away in my current romance.
You know when you think about romance, and relationships and falling in love you think of butterflies and dizziness; giddy moments of getting all "cheesed out". Usually these little moments are not constant but last around 6 months to a year in a high dosage. It's what most refer to as "puppy love".
I began to think that maybe I don't really love him, maybe I have him around for other reasons. And I have been in my fair share of relationships so I can usually spot love from lust and using (filling a void) from actually wanting to be with someone. This conclusion, however, does not make much sense to me since I have been more myself around him than anyone before- and he is not only more accepting than the others but more receptive to my personality.
So how could I not be falling head over heels?
That's just it. I am not in a tangled mess, I am not floating of the ground or falling off my chair. I went into relationship with my bag stocked full of super glue, red flags, and heavy stones to keep my feet on the ground and my head clear.
I am Jaded.
But it's okay! Even though it kinda sucks not to get swept away, I realize now that my past relationships have prepared me to be more solid going into the next. I figured out it has nothing to do with him, it's me- and the mistakes I am not willing to make again. So now that I figured all that out and am still working through the anger towards the people that caused me to lose my ability to love lightly, how do I make this relationship still important and nurture it while not letting it consume or control me?
I guess I will just have to wait and find out.
Until then.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Saturday, August 2, 2008
Tisk Task, Multi-Tasker
I am a multi-tasker.
I abuse the use of tabs on the computer, and often have music playing, the t.v. on, am writing a blog while letting my painting dry and then bam! I have an idea for a song so I switch gears and start plunking the keys... that's when someone calls and I begin a conversation while I doodle my 5th TO DO list of the day; then begin to prepare lunch.
I swear. The other day I was adding music to my 4th myspace play list while doing my make-up for work (which entailed me holding my mascara base in between my toes, wand in hand and talking on speaker phone). It's ridiculous, but I feel like it's necessary.
The fast paced relentless drive of the American way is deeply ingrained in my system; especially being an anxiety ridden artist type. I like having this extraordinary capability at times, but I have begun to realize that, maybe, it shouldn't play such an extreme role in all areas of our lives.
Like romance.
I mean when you are in the middle of a hot make out session, your significant other might find it disturbing to find you calculating bills in your head or you beginning to reach for the nail polish bottle for an impromptu touch up. What is wrong with you? Do you not like me? Am I uninteresting. (That's what you would think right?)
Well I haven't quite done that... however I have realized that I whenever I am hanging out with my boyfriend that I am usually not really paying him all my attention. I am usually doing something else, or a couple of things. He is just another thing to multi-task. He hasn't complained, but I know if I were on the other end of the stick I would be pissed.
Unlike things like laundry, people deserve all of our attention when we let them into our lives, at the times we decide to be around them. Unfortunately, turning off your cell phone during dinner isn't expected by most- but, for the sake of living in the moment, do it.
Turn off the television, and the computer and even the music and talk, er.... you know whatever. Let go of the fact you have to wake up early and let time escape you. Concentrate on exactly that moment and that person. They would surely do it for you wouldn't they?
Well I found out first hand this past weekend that my multi-tasking ability, which I will never give up, is best only used when I am working or by myself. I let that talent go by the wayside Saturday night when everything was dark and it was time for my man and me to lay down our heads and shut our eyes. I took all my energy and focused on the interesting and unique conversations we began to have as i let all the "to-dos" melt away. We talked about childhood t.v. shows and even made a bet about who was right about one of the characters in them.
Since I was focused and not thinking of ten million other things I won that bet.
Now I get special Lindt chocolate.
And we had a great make-out session when we tired of talking.
I only did one thing at a time and I got SO MUCH out of it.
Whoduh thunk?
;)
I abuse the use of tabs on the computer, and often have music playing, the t.v. on, am writing a blog while letting my painting dry and then bam! I have an idea for a song so I switch gears and start plunking the keys... that's when someone calls and I begin a conversation while I doodle my 5th TO DO list of the day; then begin to prepare lunch.
I swear. The other day I was adding music to my 4th myspace play list while doing my make-up for work (which entailed me holding my mascara base in between my toes, wand in hand and talking on speaker phone). It's ridiculous, but I feel like it's necessary.
The fast paced relentless drive of the American way is deeply ingrained in my system; especially being an anxiety ridden artist type. I like having this extraordinary capability at times, but I have begun to realize that, maybe, it shouldn't play such an extreme role in all areas of our lives.
Like romance.
I mean when you are in the middle of a hot make out session, your significant other might find it disturbing to find you calculating bills in your head or you beginning to reach for the nail polish bottle for an impromptu touch up. What is wrong with you? Do you not like me? Am I uninteresting. (That's what you would think right?)
Well I haven't quite done that... however I have realized that I whenever I am hanging out with my boyfriend that I am usually not really paying him all my attention. I am usually doing something else, or a couple of things. He is just another thing to multi-task. He hasn't complained, but I know if I were on the other end of the stick I would be pissed.
Unlike things like laundry, people deserve all of our attention when we let them into our lives, at the times we decide to be around them. Unfortunately, turning off your cell phone during dinner isn't expected by most- but, for the sake of living in the moment, do it.
Turn off the television, and the computer and even the music and talk, er.... you know whatever. Let go of the fact you have to wake up early and let time escape you. Concentrate on exactly that moment and that person. They would surely do it for you wouldn't they?
Well I found out first hand this past weekend that my multi-tasking ability, which I will never give up, is best only used when I am working or by myself. I let that talent go by the wayside Saturday night when everything was dark and it was time for my man and me to lay down our heads and shut our eyes. I took all my energy and focused on the interesting and unique conversations we began to have as i let all the "to-dos" melt away. We talked about childhood t.v. shows and even made a bet about who was right about one of the characters in them.
Since I was focused and not thinking of ten million other things I won that bet.
Now I get special Lindt chocolate.
And we had a great make-out session when we tired of talking.
I only did one thing at a time and I got SO MUCH out of it.
Whoduh thunk?
;)
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