Holding On And Holding Out

I have a problem with commitment. I always have, but, it's not what you think.
See, in the past, I have been in many relationships and courted many a fellow, however, I have had a few significant amount of very committed affairs.
I've never really had a problem falling for a guy and being faithful for a long amount of time. I never considered myself as one to cheat or one to seek out other comfort while engaged in comforts already in progress.
While I was not always the perfect mate, I played pretty strictly within the lines.
So how is this a problem?
Well it begins with the realization that when my committed affair begins to sour I haven't always cut a clean rope. I have instead chosen to entangle that rope into webs of white lies and false affection-while amplifying the damage by engrossing myself into yet another affair.
When you are young and in love and the love starts to make things painful and unhealthy you choose to see past it and let it permeate into a blinding light. As you go through it and come out of this light there is a horrid darkness that engulfs you.
You begin to see the betrayal and wickedness done to you out of love or worse out of something far from it. By this time, unfortunately, you have learned to give whole-heartedly and and with such conviction to any love that lights your flame that you begin to give this special gift to some that don't want it or understand how to nurture it.
As the wick burns down and out and melts you away, melts away the wax that you once tried to see through...you learn the truths about people and their ways, and life, timing, chemistry, lust, and love.
I have been through it all. I see much more clearly than I ever wanted to. I have learned to stop holding on when something isn't right, when it isn't worth the fight any longer.
Now it seems, though, I am holding out.
I meet a fancy fellow and ease in slowly-cautiously, like a lion observing it's prey. Smart, to be aware of the feast I intend or wish to have. No one wants spoiled meat.
However once I see that this meat is prime, or at the very least satisfactory I stall.
I'll keep watching and dancing around, without the leap and the fangs digging in. I begin to hold out.
I hold out in case of unseen danger. I hold out in case I am mistaken of anything irrational or not. I hold out for a better dish. I hold out to keep from getting too close. Protection.
If I hold out too long, eventually I'm going to starve to death.

Ironically I think this means I'm still holding on, yet this time it's not to love.