At A Loss

Here I am again, 3 years later, and feeling not at all wiser than before.

I am feeling and thinking that maybe I just will never be satisfied. I've taken the leap into cohabitation, moving to another state. I've sorta dodged being cheated on, a platonic 9 month relationship and a couple flings along the way....

I find chemistry with people where the relationship can not last...either they don't trust me and leave, move to another country, or are addicted to porn.

Then I find something resembling love or at least a mutual idea of what that is and it seems to last a long time, despite a lack in chemistry. This in turn means this longer relationship is chalk full of compromise, sacrifice, and trying really really hard. Then I get tired and contemplate ending something really good with someone really good.

This really good however, leaves me completely dissatisfied seemingly a good chunk of the time.

How can this be sustained? Can it?

Do I lack patience? Am I asking too much? Will I end up alone?- and even if I commit and work my ass off at a relationship, get married, have kids that I don't even know for sure that I want- will it end in divorce anyways? THUS ALONE AGAIN? Am I just prolonging the inevitable?

Should I focus solely on my self? Should I abstain from relationships all together?

Am I overreacting? Do I have it good? Am I enough for what I want?

I don't quite know the answers to all these questions, so my greatest friend told me something I have told her time and time again: Keep track of how many days you are happy and how many days you are not (in the relationship). How long?: as long as you can handle it.

Challenge accepted.

Record starting September 1st: 4 days definitely not happy (anxiety, crying, angry, disappointed ect) 3 days happy (okay, dealing, trying to be optimistic).

Let the journey begin.

As a side note, although I know no one reads this but me, I know you must be thinking (LOOK AT WHAT YOU WROTE!!! ARE YOU SERIOUS?! YOU HAVE CHECKED OUT! YOU ARE NOT HAPPY!)

At least looking back at this as I someday will, I can look at this and say wow, I am an idiot, or prove myself wonderfully wrong...

Holding On And Holding Out

I have a problem with commitment. I always have, but, it's not what you think.
See, in the past, I have been in many relationships and courted many a fellow, however, I have had a few significant amount of very committed affairs.
I've never really had a problem falling for a guy and being faithful for a long amount of time. I never considered myself as one to cheat or one to seek out other comfort while engaged in comforts already in progress.
While I was not always the perfect mate, I played pretty strictly within the lines.
So how is this a problem?
Well it begins with the realization that when my committed affair begins to sour I haven't always cut a clean rope. I have instead chosen to entangle that rope into webs of white lies and false affection-while amplifying the damage by engrossing myself into yet another affair.
When you are young and in love and the love starts to make things painful and unhealthy you choose to see past it and let it permeate into a blinding light. As you go through it and come out of this light there is a horrid darkness that engulfs you.
You begin to see the betrayal and wickedness done to you out of love or worse out of something far from it. By this time, unfortunately, you have learned to give whole-heartedly and and with such conviction to any love that lights your flame that you begin to give this special gift to some that don't want it or understand how to nurture it.
As the wick burns down and out and melts you away, melts away the wax that you once tried to see through...you learn the truths about people and their ways, and life, timing, chemistry, lust, and love.
I have been through it all. I see much more clearly than I ever wanted to. I have learned to stop holding on when something isn't right, when it isn't worth the fight any longer.
Now it seems, though, I am holding out.
I meet a fancy fellow and ease in slowly-cautiously, like a lion observing it's prey. Smart, to be aware of the feast I intend or wish to have. No one wants spoiled meat.
However once I see that this meat is prime, or at the very least satisfactory I stall.
I'll keep watching and dancing around, without the leap and the fangs digging in. I begin to hold out.
I hold out in case of unseen danger. I hold out in case I am mistaken of anything irrational or not. I hold out for a better dish. I hold out to keep from getting too close. Protection.
If I hold out too long, eventually I'm going to starve to death.

Ironically I think this means I'm still holding on, yet this time it's not to love.

Nightmares Are Not Dreams, But Reality

There is an interesting trend I have discovered in my life:
I have consistent nightmares when I am dealing with difficult life situations. Seems obvious, and normal; and it is.

Well last night I had this horrible dream that consisted of a large decapitated Gnome head in "my" backyard, a poltergeist throwing my Tums at me and a spider attacking me in the car. Oddly, I know what most of this means; partly from reading many a dream interpretation book and also because I am fully aware of the turmoil in my waking life.

"I knew that I saw him," I stated about the Gnome.
This ghoul that had been creeping around my backyard, haunting me. Either I or others had tried to convince me that this creep from my past was gone, over....dealt with. It was not. It was there dead now, but finally a reality that I had to face. I really was seeing a ghoul; why was he there? How was he affecting me?
The Gnome, like our relationship is dead. It is a reality, and he's been misconstruing my thoughts and actions therefore. Now that I am aware that this was not just a shadow...what do I do? How do I proceed?

As for the poltergeist, I was running to find my antacids after I saw the Gnome head , and this noisy ghost took my tums out of the medicine cabinet and threw them into the shower. I was scared and frustrated and screamed for it to stop and then I left. It was the fist time I ever confronted a dark spirit in that manner, with that amount of confidence, in a dream before; and it was all because of how incredibly angry I was.
The poltergeist has been controlling and manipulating how I function in relationships. It is my fear that is crippling me, and my anger that is feeding it. It may also be the anger that helps me begin to conquer it. It is not letting me achieve what I am after, the thing that heals me; in this case my Tums!

And that damn spider? Well I am afraid of spiders. I was in the passenger seat of a car that my mom was driving and my sister was in the backseat. I was screaming and jumped up on the seat while my mom kept driving and looked my way and my sister fell silent. I killed it. And sat back down, and went on with my life.

Jade Is Pretty Jaded-Not So Much

Lately I've been wondering why I have not been swept away in my current romance.
You know when you think about romance, and relationships and falling in love you think of butterflies and dizziness; giddy moments of getting all "cheesed out". Usually these little moments are not constant but last around 6 months to a year in a high dosage. It's what most refer to as "puppy love".

I began to think that maybe I don't really love him, maybe I have him around for other reasons. And I have been in my fair share of relationships so I can usually spot love from lust and using (filling a void) from actually wanting to be with someone. This conclusion, however, does not make much sense to me since I have been more myself around him than anyone before- and he is not only more accepting than the others but more receptive to my personality.

So how could I not be falling head over heels?
That's just it. I am not in a tangled mess, I am not floating of the ground or falling off my chair. I went into relationship with my bag stocked full of super glue, red flags, and heavy stones to keep my feet on the ground and my head clear.

I am Jaded.

But it's okay! Even though it kinda sucks not to get swept away, I realize now that my past relationships have prepared me to be more solid going into the next. I figured out it has nothing to do with him, it's me- and the mistakes I am not willing to make again. So now that I figured all that out and am still working through the anger towards the people that caused me to lose my ability to love lightly, how do I make this relationship still important and nurture it while not letting it consume or control me?

I guess I will just have to wait and find out.
Until then.

Tisk Task, Multi-Tasker

I am a multi-tasker.

I abuse the use of tabs on the computer, and often have music playing, the t.v. on, am writing a blog while letting my painting dry and then bam! I have an idea for a song so I switch gears and start plunking the keys... that's when someone calls and I begin a conversation while I doodle my 5th TO DO list of the day; then begin to prepare lunch.

I swear. The other day I was adding music to my 4th myspace play list while doing my make-up for work (which entailed me holding my mascara base in between my toes, wand in hand and talking on speaker phone). It's ridiculous, but I feel like it's necessary.

The fast paced relentless drive of the American way is deeply ingrained in my system; especially being an anxiety ridden artist type. I like having this extraordinary capability at times, but I have begun to realize that, maybe, it shouldn't play such an extreme role in all areas of our lives.
Like romance.

I mean when you are in the middle of a hot make out session, your significant other might find it disturbing to find you calculating bills in your head or you beginning to reach for the nail polish bottle for an impromptu touch up. What is wrong with you? Do you not like me? Am I uninteresting. (That's what you would think right?)

Well I haven't quite done that... however I have realized that I whenever I am hanging out with my boyfriend that I am usually not really paying him all my attention. I am usually doing something else, or a couple of things. He is just another thing to multi-task. He hasn't complained, but I know if I were on the other end of the stick I would be pissed.

Unlike things like laundry, people deserve all of our attention when we let them into our lives, at the times we decide to be around them. Unfortunately, turning off your cell phone during dinner isn't expected by most- but, for the sake of living in the moment, do it.

Turn off the television, and the computer and even the music and talk, er.... you know whatever. Let go of the fact you have to wake up early and let time escape you. Concentrate on exactly that moment and that person. They would surely do it for you wouldn't they?

Well I found out first hand this past weekend that my multi-tasking ability, which I will never give up, is best only used when I am working or by myself. I let that talent go by the wayside Saturday night when everything was dark and it was time for my man and me to lay down our heads and shut our eyes. I took all my energy and focused on the interesting and unique conversations we began to have as i let all the "to-dos" melt away. We talked about childhood t.v. shows and even made a bet about who was right about one of the characters in them.

Since I was focused and not thinking of ten million other things I won that bet.
Now I get special Lindt chocolate.
And we had a great make-out session when we tired of talking.
I only did one thing at a time and I got SO MUCH out of it.

Whoduh thunk?
;)

Tick Tock

Well, it's been some time since I have written-which is perfect for my topic about Time!

Time has been talked about, sang about and written about since the beginning of...well, time.

It dictates most of our world, dividing our lives into ages, dates, alarm clocks, and assessing our success. There are many ways we keep track of it; watches, cell phones, sun cycles, seasons, square boxes on pieces of paper, and in memories. It is elusive and priceless, but can come at a cost.

I think time is often a ticking bomb in relationships. From the very first glance of attraction the stop watch is set. Tick Tick Tick, softly tapping beneath our hearts and our thoughts.

Usually in the beginning we let the time spent with our significant other consume us, and if we don't it is considered odd or damaging.
I honestly don't know if that is true or not; I am sure it is different for every couple.

What I do know, however, is that there are times when one needs time to collect their own thoughts at their own pace-without someone hovering over them. There are times when one needs to sit in their room and listen to new music and paint their toenails.

Lately I have been letting my nail polish crack and fade and I have been listening to the same songs for months. I want to split my time and spend it catching up with myself and take the other part and immerse myself in him...but I know that the latter will only make things worse.

You see if you allow yourself to get too far away from, well, yourself it will damage the relationship. Because, he fell in love with you, so don't lose yourself. And you need to know yourself to conduct a healthy relationship.

Like right now for example; I want to go pick him up and spend the night wrapped up in his arms. However I know I have time to do things I love, even things I've committed to (art and music). Sometimes I just want him around all the time to keep me company while I do these things, but I don't want to lose my sense of independence either.


Another thing, tick tick, is how time affects the longevity and status of every relationship. How long before you decide to become official? Is there is time frame that needs to be met before it becomes too late? Or worse yet, too early?

For me it always seems that my relationships happen when they are ready, not when I am, and develop at their own pace-again-not mine. When I have learned to take it really slow, the relationship throws me for a loop and happens quickly and easily. When I am dying to fall in love no one is around.

I have this feeling that the relationship I am in right now is going to be ready for me before I had planned. Which gives me potential to mess it up more so.
I also have a couple friends that seem to be in this predicament. They say they are not ready for "the one" yet. They are supposed to have other things in place first.

Well as my therapist says and as the almighty powers have shown us time and time again; if we stick to schedules and time tables and sun dials too much we might miss the goofy pictures on the calendar or the sunset.

And you don't want to miss the sunrise too much.
Oh look at the time, gotta run.

Cinematic Love

In the movies there tends to be a reasonably predictable formula for how a love story begins and ends depending on genre.

In a romantic comedy the couple either starts off as friends or strangers who meet under very odd and unrealistic circumstances. They stumble into some weird series of events that stand to keep them apart until they finally realize the timing is right and they end up happily clinging to one another despite any discord.

In a drama the couple often meets under a more traditional circumstance; work, through friends, arranged marriage, ect. Then they either fight with each other or a string of dramatic circumstance to end up together despite intense strife, or someone dies- probably in a dual or a war.

In horror or action flicks, the guy thinks the girl is hot and vice versa. In the end after sex, the guy usually saves the girl and more sex ensues.

My point?
Predictable. In a good way- people like the expected- most people. This is why the movie formula continues as it has before bringing in millions or billions to satisfy with a predictable story. A story that doth not require too much thought or emotional quandary.

I was never one of those movie goers. I wanted a slap in the face, something connecting me to the strange and unpredictable world I saw around me. I wanted to be surprised. I wanted to leave the movie pissed off that someone died or left in a romantic comedy, or for a seemingly happy ending in a drama really leave off with a epilogue of a boring and struggling marriage.

So why when my story goes non-accordingly to plan do I get upset? After wishing for a quirky and unassuming tale for so many years, did I want the blockbuster effect in my world?
Have they finally brainwashed me enough where I could not find the beauty in chaos?
I refuse.

I am newly taken to a man who has made it easily difficult to apprehend him on circumstances of oddity. Which I appreciate. And when we finally decided to jump ship and swim in the waters of commitment everything went haywire- yet we are together. We are together and very happy.
Despite our fairytale planning and exquisite execution, we ended up feeling whipsawed and dizzy in confusion. That wasn't supposed to be the aftermath, but it was.

Therefore I can only now assume that I finally got that slap in the face I so longed for. I'll be honest, at first it didn't feel so good, but now I know that this is what makes our love, our fear, our hopes-our lives-real. There is beauty in that.

Hopefully that beauty never goes unappreciated again, despite any struggles we may face.